*Talking*
I was in an argument with an ex-girlfriend, and...I said something about, like "a truest love" and she said "You're mistaken, my- my first truest love was with a...multiple-adjustable shower head" (laughter). I know, you follow me, but I'm like "...I'm drunk" (laughter).

I'm gonna sing this damn song right now (yeah you are). "Why Can't You Be"

*Singing*
Are you frightened by the weight you posses,
Or...is this life just weightlessness, and smoggy twilight in LA?
I can't think of one real thing to say.
And Robbie Williams is walking in the canyons
'Forgets that we were friends.
I guess it all depends on your mood.
Why can't these meds be any damn good?
And she said...

Why can't you be...like my waterpick shower massager?
A sweet, reliable machine.
And to tell the truth, I don't feel less alone
My water massager's the purest love...I've ever known.

Why can't you be...like when I was 13?
Why can't you be, like an art house foreign movie;
Frank and sexy, red balloons and ennui
And aloof to me, and...
Why can't you be...a little more of a mystery?
Why can't you be, the part of me that's missing
Instead of leavin' me for some other?
'Said we're perfect for eachother.
And I know we won't go spend our lives...alone.

Why can't you be...like an outsource government contract?
I'm a fatcat, getting away with anything.
Kicking...some secret special powers
Alumination rounds in showers.
'Cause you're tearing your hair out
While we could have a bed of flowers.
And I said...

Why can't you be...like the chicks out on the road?
Some girls are happy, just to see me
'Cause you've got moxie, and a broken nose.
You take 'em away from this blows.
Sometimes a blowjob's not enough.
Why can't you play...a little less rough?

Why can't you be...the part of me that's missing
Instead of leavin' me for some other?
'Said we're perfect for eachother.
And I know we won't go spend our lives...alone.

Can we...just leave it be?
And we could live...our lives...seperately.
Could you forget...what happens to you...you and me?
And when we're dead...and we'll be dead...we'll have eternity.
And I will spend it all...missing you...missing you and me.
So all of a life...I will always be...

Why can't you be...lookin' a little deeper into me
Like JD...Salinger?
Why do I challenge her, in all these surface ways that you displease?
Why can't you be...a little more at ease?
Why can't you be...like a hand-rolled cigarette?
I'm not jokin'
This massocistic...self pity, of smoking.
And this silly ditty.
I...keep provoking you, to leave me.

She said...
Why can't you be...like a candle I can snuff?
You're still a diamond in the rough.
And I swear to god...I had enough.
How can I...call your bluff?

(Wild applause)
*Talking* Thank you.