I'll tell you a story, believe me it's true
A tale you'd best hope never happens to you
Old spicy mcHaggis, how he met his fate
You I can save, but for him it's too late

Spicy was big, burly and strong
His pipes were gigantic, and so was his schlong
From city to city running around
Always looking for chicks over four hundred pounds

One night at the pub a girl caught his eye
Big as a house Just the right size
The broad was enormous stacked to the hilt
Spicy soon noticed a bulge in his kilt
The piper delivered his best pick-up line
Thought to himself "This beast is all mine"
The portly young lady could stand for no more
Grabbed his cojones and went for the door

They got to her house and dimmed all the lights
Spicy was in for one hell of a night
he said that he loved her, he'd always be true
"But Mr. McHaggis, I've only just met you!"

By now he saw double through his drunken eyes
Neither had looks or appropriate size he came to his sense
And thought to himself, "At this time of night I won't find nothing else"
He took off his shirt, she lifted her skirt
They pulled out his unit and stared to play
She asked for a glove, he gave her a shove
Had baby McHaggis nine months to-the-day

Spicy! Spicy! Spicy! Spicy!
Spicy! Spicy! Spicy! Spicy!

One night at the pub a girl caught his eye
Big as a house Just the right size
The broad was enormous stacked to the hilt
Spicy soon noticed a bulge in his kilt
The piper delivered his best pick-up line
Thought to himself "The beast is all mine"
The portly young lady could stand for no more
Grabbed his cojones and went for the door

Three packs a day
He'll smoke 'til he dies
Spicy McHaggis
One hell of a guy!

"I don't know what you all are talking about
And who drank all my beer?"